The Shoulder Minion

Celibate in the City

What does it mean to abstain? Are there things we convince ourselves we can avoid, only to find they pull us back in? Is withdrawal just a season, or can it last a lifetime? I asked myself these questions when I decided to consciously withdraw from having sex.

What was once a fun act full of passion, romance, and unexpected natural highs eventually became a source of mental torment. I didn’t want to believe sex was meant for marriage. The thought made me cringe, mostly because I didn’t think it was sustainable. After all, I have a high sex drive. Can you have a happy relationship without going there together? I didn’t think it was possible. Sometimes I still wonder. But I know that’s just my fear talking.

Is there something you want to remove from your life for a season or for good? What brought you to this place?

I’ll never forget two days before Valentine’s Day seven years ago. I had just had “schlintercourse” with a guy I’d been dating for two months. I asked him, “So, do we have any plans for Tuesday?” The glee of promise and smitten wonder was written all over my face. His response brought me back to earth:

“Oh, I totally forgot. I’m sorry. It is Valentine’s Day the day after tomorrow, huh?”

The “huh” at the end gut-punched me. I was supposed to confirm his disregard, detachment, and complete absentmindedness—while simultaneously understanding that I was just another notch on his belt.

The next day, he broke up with me, citing that he wasn’t ready to be a stepdad. My children were 10 and 11 at the time. The first thought in my head was, “That would’ve been great to know before you put on a condom.” I’ve never reached out to him, nor have I heard from him since.

But here’s my point: That day, I fell out of love with what I call “see where it goes” sex.

He wasn’t a bad guy. But you know what else he wasn’t? My husband. So who was he? A man who felt no obligation or responsibility toward me. And even if he did, he could still pack his bags and walk out of my life just the same.

A Lightbulb Moment

Oh. That’s why God said sex is for marriage. It’s not just a clever way to reach some higher moral ground. It’s the consummation of a contract. The agreement says, You take care of me, I’ll take care of you—forever.

And even if you get divorced, the principles of that agreement remain in effect. Ask anyone paying spousal or child support. Sex is one of those life-changing practices you need to get right, or your whole life can feel wrong.

How Did I Conquer It?

I haven’t had sex in a very long time, and I don’t have pretend sex with myself, either. How? I screwed my way to abstinence—pun intended. It took a few more years after that Valentine’s Day disaster to reach ironclad solidarity. But I’m here now, and my arrival is nothing short of a miracle.

Dear reader, you can conquer your flesh. That voice whispering in your ear—the shoulder minion—is nothing more than a spokesman for your past. It tells you how lonely, bored, overweight, or sober you are. It wants you to repeat patterns that don’t serve you because, as long as you do, it has a job.

There are versions of ourselves that must die—thinking loops that must be killed on the battlefield of our minds. But there are no guns or spears in this fight. Just starvation pods. When you starve a thought long enough, it dies.

And here’s the twist: This is the walking dead. Even if you starve it and it dies, picking up those old thinking patterns can resurrect that toxic behavior—worse than before.

How Do You Do This?

Addictive behaviors come with an entire administrative department in your mind, working to keep you down. Why? Because glowing up means discomfort. Every internal memo they send has this at the top: You will be uncomfortable.

But here’s the amazing news: YOU are the President. You rule. You veto. You dismiss. You have complete control over what happens in your mind and the actions you take.

This Is a “We” Journey

I still battle negative, defeating thoughts every single day. Take my hand—virtually. I’m in this with you. We got this. One day at a time, we will override those limiting beliefs.

Will you try an exercise with me this week? Look in the mirror and say:

“I am an overcomer, and I will rise to accomplish my goals today.”

Say it three times in the mirror every day this week.

I can’t wait to report back next Sunday. Until then, peace be with you.

Maria 🌹